The Door to December 9th
Open…
Dear Gift Hiding Colleagues,
Have you ever hid Christmas presents so well that you couldn’t find them when you needed to?
Like our old friend Clark Griswold here:
Hiding Christmas presents can be a tricky business. You want to find the perfect place to keep them from being discovered, but you don’t want it to be so good that you cannot find where you hid them when you need to get them for Christmas Morning.
It’s a true conundrum when you have a variety of little elves of different ages and different levels of belief. The small ones are truly all in, and not too keen on catching Santa at his work. Their natural curiosity is sublimated by their mere awe of the day and the sensory overloaded bacchanalia that occurs once they awaken and find a store of toys and mysteriously wrapped boxes ‘neath the Christmas Tree.
However, as we move up the age range to the middlings, things start to get a bit more challenging for Santa. around 7-9 is the age of skepticism. Usually, kids of this age are harangued by their peers at school or older friends that have made connections and discoveries on their own. Or, if they are a particularly skeptical child with an eye towards making dramatic revelations, then you’re work is cut out for you.
The hiding of presents is an art form, but don’t get too ahead of yourself. This Santa’s secret is to often make use of hiding gifts in plain sight. Sometimes, these are the hardest presents to see. There is a level of satisfaction when you are able to hide a gift in plain sight without them discovering it. This is Master level stuff. However, that is not always the best option when your kids are perceptive and motivated to expose the whole operation.
So you must move forward and find spots in your home that no one would ever think of stashing the goods. Do you have a critter-free crawlspace? If so, that is a wonderful place to stow the goods. Just be sure that the gifts are not temperature sensitive. It’s best to take care in hiding all electronics, as you don’t want them in the “too cold” and you don’t want them in the “sweaty warm”. There is a sweet spot, I don’t know how to explain it, you’ll just know when you know. Trust me!
Once your crawlspace is encumbered by a number of boxes and bags, perhaps the storage space in the attic is a reasonable place to use. Most kids are terrified of the possibility of something, really anything being in the attic. For those of you that consider yourselves professionals, here’s a tip from Santa Chris, you can bring a reindeer to the trough, but you don’t necessarily have to make it drink. My strategy for scaring the kids from staying out of certain parts of the house is by telling them that I’m scared to go into the (insert place here.) Don’t explain why you are afraid. Let it sort of hang there. Show a confused face and make the same sound that you make when you go outside on a cold day and want to let everyone know it’s freezing balls out. Then let the suggestion, the face, and the sound come together and work with their imaginations. You are guaranteed that they will never step foot in the place you cited as they will likely be afraid to do so for the rest of their lives. This is a wonderful thing is it will allow you to hide things in this space for multiple years. It saves you time and allows you more precious time to make more eggnog cocktails.
You can also play the parent card and hide things in your own personal bureaus, as kids are reluctant to invade such spaces. So it’s a fair bet that those places are safe.
Now, once the kiddies are duped, you might have to turn your attention to your spouse. This is where it gets to next level shit. Spouses are hard to trick with your normal peasant-present slight of hand. You really have to delve into Jedi Mind Tricks on this. In order to hide gifts from a spouse you need to rent a storage space, put it at a friend’s house, and as a last resort the best way to keep your spouse from finding a present that you are hiding is to not buy them a present in the first place; they can’t find what isn’t there. Game, set, match!
However, I don’t suggest you meander into the waters of denying a spouse a shiny shiny on the big day. Despite your logic being foolproof you need to ask yourself a serious question, when has logic being foolproof ever worked to your advantage before? See, you know what’s up, I don’t have to remind you. So, it’s best to buy that present and bury it in the backyard. Think of it like this…at least you’ll get some exercise when you are kicked out of the house for not being able to find the present you buried in the backyard to keep your spouse from finding it. You might be cold and your hands might be numb, but you will be warmed by the satisfaction that you were able to fool two full grown adults with your proficiency at being clandestine. The bonus is that when you eventually discover it you might get back into the house. Next time draw a map and leave it at the bottom of the trash can under the bag, as that is a place your spouse will never ever see as it is likely that they will never ever replace a trash bag in the entirety of your domestic life.
Happy Hiding!
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Check out a recent poem here: Advent Adventures: The Door to December 8th – ProCrasstheNation
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