Here is a list of the Top Ten Foods That Make Me Say, “Skeevatsah!!!!”
Skeevatsah, is a word my mother used when she was grossed out by something.
10. Mushrooms-mostly a texture thing with me, but sometimes a smell issue. Hold the mushrooms please, I don’t want sliced brain samples on my pizza.
9. Deviled Eggs-what devil bastard came up with this atrocity? “Hey! I have an idea. Let’s boil a dozen eggs, crack em, halve them, take all of the stinky sulfur yolks out, mix them together in mayonnaise, sprinkle them with paprika, and just for shits and giggles, put the mix back into the halved egg whites, and then serve them up on a platter.”
8. Artichokes-again a texture and smell issue, but how can one be blamed for not wanting to eat a food that contains the word “choke” hiding within it? In addition, an artichoke looks as if it contains one of those Aliens in it, and all it needs to do is open up and shoot out attaching to your face while it implants eggs in your stomach. NO!
7. Sushi-no raw dogging for me. I don’t like fish. I like raw fish even less. Sea weed is a salty nasty. Īe, kekkōdesu (no thank you in Japanese)
6. Eggs-ok I already said deviled eggs, but deviled eggs are so nasty in my opinion, they deserve their own miserable entry. So no matter how cooked they are, eggs suck. period. Boiled, fried, scrambled, etc. I can only eat them if I don’t see them, as when they are mixed ingredients in other foods like cake or cookies. Keep your runny yellow nasticiousness away from me.
5. Beets-should be self-explanatory. Not worth the possibility of staining clothes, hands, etc.
4. Bacalhau-a Portuguese dish of dried and salted cod. Lived next to an endearing Portuguese Family for a year in Cambridge, MA. Every Tuesday like clock work, I’d be awoken from my post work nap with the aroma of garlic and dried and salted cod. Just a mere whiff of this dish, causes my head to spin.
3. Sausages-down, down, down, with the encased gristle and fat of ground meat and fennel seeds. Not my comfort food. Probably the only thing on the list I can actually eat without gagging. Mostly only as breakfast links, or on a pizza.
2. Tomatoes-like George Carlin before me I loathe the “jelly-looking” things. Out of all the things on this list, it’s the one I’ve been able to come around on the most, and eat regularly. But it doesn’t stop the guttural reaction from happening when I cut open a tomato or get those seeds on my fingahs. SKEEVATSAH!
1. Mayonnaise-In my estimation, the absolute worst substance known to man. And it is considered edible. Not only does it smell gross to my sense, but it feels, looks, and sounds gross when touched, looked at, or dumped out. The white color is tricky because it allows the dirty mayonnaise to hide in other foods, under the false guise of sour cream. I go absolute bonkers if I order a sandwich without mayonnaise, and the person making it puts it on their anyways. Keep your goddamned slimy egg and oil aiolis out of my food. Adding mayonnaise to a food in order to hydrate it, means that you need to stop making dry foods. All foods that contain mayo, deviled eggs, tuna fish sandos, egg salads, potato salads, any lobster or crabmeat sandos, give it to the next guy. I’m mayonnaise free, and will slap a slice of bread schmeered with mayonnaise out your hand before you get too close. I loved my father, I truly did, but that dude ate tomato and mayonnaise toasted sandos. Forever unclean!